theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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