Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
