She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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