Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
