Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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