I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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