If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize