Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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