Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
