R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
