There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
