a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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