Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize
