Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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