tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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