the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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