Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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