I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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