I could make wine with my vomit
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
