I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
