I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
they're like a gay fantastic four
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
