well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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