i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
