i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
