if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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