from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
BRING THE BAGELS
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
