So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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