Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
