Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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