arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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