Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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