Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
