I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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