How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize