just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
