I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Oh god it's open bar.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
