You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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