You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
