everyone is single if you try hard enough
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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