Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
