the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
two words: eviction party
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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