New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
