I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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