I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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