I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
