The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
