i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
