I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
