as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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