I feel great
I just peed on a car
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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