Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
