last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize