Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
