my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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