I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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