Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
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