worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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