the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize