Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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