his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
