It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Randomize
