he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
