I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
