Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize