I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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