I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
