I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
