weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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