i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
