I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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