He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Randomize
