last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
