Jerry, you need to find god
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
