After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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