I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
